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This is the transcript for The Saphrax Protocol, the tenth and final episode of Season 7 and the overall eighty-first episode of The Venture Bros.

Prologue Edit

VenTech Tower Edit

Electricity buzzes. Suspenseful music plays. Objects clatter. Guild Blackout agents emerge through the teleporter pad in a room in the VenTech Tower.

Blackout 1: He could be anywhere, and he's under the protection of Agent Samson. There will be causalities.

A newly emerged Blackout agent falls off the teleporter pad with a "Thud".

Blackout 1: Move in helicoidal agony maneuver. Teams of four. (Gun clicks) We don't stop till we have Dr.

Venture.

Door opens, guns cock. A groggy Dr. Venture enters.

Dr. Venture: (Yawns) What's going on in here?

Blackout 2: Huh. That was super easy.

Another Blackout agent falls off the teleporter pad with a "Thud". 

TITLE SCREEN Edit

Act 1 Edit

Meteor Majeure - Teleporter Room Edit

Ward: Dr. Venture. So good to see you again! You look like a million dollars. Trim.

Watch: Oh, so trim! What's your secret?

Dr. Venture: (Chuckles) I don't eat too many--

Ward: Nope. Don't care.

Ward injects a syringe filled with a liquid sedative directly below Dr. Venture's throat. Blackout 1 returns through the teleporter pad.

Ward: What are you doing? Secure the extraction site.

Blackout 1: I left a little team behind.

Ward: Oh-ho, did you? Left a little team? Get back in line! You're all going! Nobody returns till Samson is secured.

Meteor Majeure - Council Conference Room Edit

Dragoon/Red Mantle enters wearing a spacesuit. Air hisses as they remove the helmet.

Phantom Limb: Oh, hello, you two. Glad you decided to join us--two hours late.

Red Mantle: We took the shuttle.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Will you please use the teleporter? We didn't steal it for nothing.

Phantom Limb: What happened to Phage was a fluke. The teleporter is perfectly safe.

Red Mantle: It was being used for tonight's Blackout team operation. What's this about Phage? He's not tending to his llama farm?

Dragoon: I knew that llama farm thing was fake! Llama bacon is ridiculous! What happened to Phage?!

Phantom Limb: Llama meat has half the calories of pork!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Limb, come on. Phage had a little teleporter mishap a while back. It's nothing to worry about unless you guys have, like, biomechanics or metal parts.

Dragoon: We were going to pierce our ear like Jimmy from Road House.

Red Mantle: The gentleman who beat everyone up with a pool cue!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: You can still pierce your ear. Now can we move on, please?

Phantom Limb: Get into your robe.The candidates are hoodwinked in the Ritual Space.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: And don't muck this up, you guys. This is a very important Tenning for me.

Coma Town Edit

Wind howling. Hank Venture, dressed like Lando Calrissian, walks through a blinding snowstorm.

Hank Venture: Hello? Hello?! Hello, anyone?

Creepy music plays.

Hank Venture: Ooh. Hello, um, dolls.

The Action Man: Hank! Do not move! They've caught your scent.

Hank Venture: Are you gonna like do something, or...?

The Action Man: They can't see you if you stand perfectly still. Do... not... move.

Hank Venture: Dude, they're dolls. Why can't I just kick 'em over?

The Action Man: I don't know. I never thought of that. I-I just tried the standing still thing. They scare the crap out of me.

Light clatter as Hank walks through the mass of creepy dolls, knocking them all over.

Hank Venture: Not at all scary.

The Action Man: That blue one, she's, like, in charge. Admit it's unsettling.

Hank Venture: It's just not. Why are you on Hoth dressed as a Wookiee?

The Action Man: I'm Mark Hand the Catchman. And this is the Ice of Wier. And, Hank... we're dead.

Hank Venture: So, Heaven is The Empire Strikes Back. Nice.

The Action Man: No. Purgatory is Barbarella.

Hank Venture: What is Barbarella?

The Action Man: What's Barba-- It's only the greatest space fantasy movie probably ever.

Hank Venture: Sir, again, you are thinking of The Empire Strikes Back.

VenTech Tower Edit

Blackout 1 returns via the teleporter pad to find his entire team slaughtered.

Blackout 1: What the hell happened?

Blackout 1 approaches a Blackout agent leaning against a shelf.

Brock Samson (as Blackout agent): (Groans) He-- Hel--

Blackout 1: B-11-8, you okay? What happened?

Brock Samson (as Blackout agent): Your. Wondpie. Bro.

Blackout 1: Huh?

Brock reaches out to grab Blackout 1's throat, breaking his windpipe.

Brock Samson: I said your windpipe broke. I'll fix that if you answer me. So what is this crap, a Blackout team? Just nod.

Blackout 1 nods vigorously, his face turning red.

Brock Samson: You got Doc, and you sent a few numb-nuts to keep me busy? Insulting. How many of you are there?

Blackout 1: (Gurgles)

Brock Samson: Oh, yeah, the throat. Are there 5? 8? 10? 12? 15? 15, huh? Now we're talkin'. Not you, obviously. I broke your windpipe. Here.

Blackout 1: (Gasps)

Brock Samson: Keep your fingers out of that. It'll get infected.

Meteor Majeure - "Tenning" Ceremony Room Edit

Dramatic music plays.

Phantom Limb: Theophanes the Confessor tells us of the Foederati, the elite fighting force of barbarian mercenaries. From their ranks came Saphrax Tervingian -- the first man to turn a grudge into a career.

Red Mantle: As Council Elder --

Dragoon: Oh, by like a year.

Red Mantle: You, stop it. I welcome all of you to this ancient ritual, the story of Saphrax.

All: The first villain.

Red Mantle: And his loyal comrade, Altheaeus.

All: The first henchman.

Red Mantle: Let Saphrax step into the light and declare his deeds.

The Monarch: I, The Monarch, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Villain. I am without fear. I am Saphrax.

Red Mantle: Let us begin the journey of Saphrax -- the first trial.

Dr. Z enters pushing a cart with a small hollow log on it.

Red Mantle: When Saphrax was a boy, he lost his favorite stone in the Log Of The Beast. You must find his stone.

Dr. Z: Yet the beast sleeps inside. Disturb the beast, and his wrath will be quick!

The Monarch: Put -- Put my hand in there?

Dr. Z: And retrieve the stone.

The Monarch: Really? This isn't, like, a thing, like, where I just spin the cart and the stone shoots out and you're all impressed with my cleverness?

Red Mantle: You're not Matthew Broderick. Just put your hand in there!

Dramatic music plays.

The Monarch: Ach. It's really mushy.

All: The beast!

Dr. Z: He lives in his waste. His log has never been cleaned. Do you have what it takes to find the stone?!

The Monarch: Chill out! I'm trying not to get bit!

Dr. Z: Wha-- The beast doesn't bite. What, do you think we'd have a vicious animal up here in space?

The Monarch: He doesn't bite? What-- What was all that talk about his wrath?

Red Mantle: You're touching poop! It's pretty gruesome. I wouldn't do it.

VenTech Tower Edit

Footsteps. Suspenseful music plays.

Brock Samson: Aaaaagh! (Chuckles) Ha ha ha.

P.A. system feedback screeches.

Brock Samson: (Echoing over P.A.) Testing. Testing. Hello, idiots. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for accepting this suicide mission. Your target, a one Brock Samson, has been really bored lately and will enjoy the shit outta this. Each one of you fine soldiers will be sacrificed for his amusement. Your unavoidable deaths will become the stuff of legend. Every new recruit will hear the story of the time the Guild Blackout got locked in the VenTech Tower behind 7-inch, bomb-proof steel doors and were killed one by one in glorious service to this dumb-ass guild you joined. Good luck out there, and thank you for your service.

P.A. beeps off.

Brock Samson: Oh come on, Hatred. You really don't keep a gun back here? What's wrong with you?

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Reception Area Edit

Sergeant Hatred: Now, I'm a by-the-book kinda guy. Everything above board. You know? Straight shooter. So I'm not gonna spin some cock-and-bull story about being a relative. But I ask you, what is family? Because I promise I exceed every qualification one could possibly ascribe to that noble word.

Cindy Marie Abrams: Are you a blood relation or not?

Sergeant Hatred: Bested! Oh! Nightly nurse Cindy Marie Abrams, you are my Waterloo.

Cindy Marie Abrams: All right. If you could just have a seat in the waiting room.

Sergeant Hatred: Of course. Moriarty to my Sherlock! Saturated fat to my delicious chocolate cookie.

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Intensive Care Unit Edit

Dean Venture: Anyway, I wrote it all down, so... (Clears throat) Dear Hank, I am a crap brother.

Monitor beeping, respirator hissing.

Dean Venture: One -- I ate that half of a Whatchamacallit bar you left in the fridge, and I blamed Brock for it. Two -- Remember your Bop It Extreme? I broke it. Like, intentionally. All right, that one, I don't really regret. I mean, remember that song it played? It was totally insane, and it never stopped. Spin it, pull it, bop it! Break me into pieces!

Dean sighs.

Dean Venture: Okay, three -- Remember when you liked that 98 Degrees song, and I was like, "Oh, that's stupid, and that guy looks like a shoe box with eyes"? Well, I liked it, too. I was embarrassed. Four -- I borrowed your 98 Degrees CD and didn't tell you.

Coma Town Edit

Jaunty music play.

The Action Man: No no no, this is my death dream. You're in my Purgatory, my Barbarella Purgatory! It's not a Mynock.

Hank Venture: Uh, news flash -- you had a stroke right before Thanksgiving. You're in a coma. You're not dead.

The Action Man: I did? Well, doesn't that beat all. When the heck did you have a stroke?

Hank Venture: No clue. I remember going out to rescue my girlfriend, and then I'm here. I must have had a stroke from worrying about my true love.

The Action Man: Yeah, your dad was like that, too. If someone got drunk and smiled at him, he dug in his heels and rode that poor woman till she stopped taking his calls and moved to another town. She also changed her name, and I can't tell you what her new name is.

Hank Venture: Are you talking about my mom?

The Action Man: Yes. And damn it, Hank, you're missing my point! You haven't really done anything with your life, and now you're obsessing over puppy love.

Hank Venture: Not puppy! What was my mom's name?!

The Action Man: It's Bobbi Saint Simone! And you have to grow the heck up! Your obsessive first love gave you a stroke.

Hank Venture: I've had a lot of loves, thank you. That's a dumb name!

The Action Man: She was an actress! And you had one girlfriend.

A Wampa snarls at them.

Hank Venture: Aah! Wampa!

VenTech Tower Edit

Blackout agent: (Gasping)

Brock Samson: End of the line. Nowhere to go.

Blackout agent: I'll shoot!

Brock Samson: Please. Go ahead.

Thud, objects clatter.

Blackout agent: (Gasps) What are you?

Brock Samson: I'm the guy that's gonna shove this blade so far up your ass that--

A cracking noise is followed by the Blackout agent foaming at the mouth.

Brock Samson: Come on! When did they issue poisoned teeth to you guys? That's cheating!

Meteor Majeure - Teleporter Room Edit

Watch: Run it again. That-- That can't be right.

Ward: Dude, it says the same thing as it did the last three times.

Watch: No way.

Ward: It's definitely way. Oh, we got another one. They're stacking up like cord wood.

Watch: Who cares about that? Dude, run the data again. This can't be true.

Ward: I'm telling you, it's true! According to this clunky old blood analyzer, The Monarch and Dr. Venture are blood related!

Act 2 Edit

Meteor Majeure - "Tenning" Ceremony Room Edit

Dramatic music plays.

Red Mantle: Saphrax, heavy with goat and burdened with terrible chicken, came to the bridge and was stopped by the keeper.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

The Monarch: I, Saphrax, wish to cross.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: What is your business on the other side?

Red Mantle: Young Saphrax, still angry from taking the awful advice from the magic chicken, was impetuous, and answered...

The Monarch: There, on the other side, your mother waits to willingly fornicate.

All: Oh, no, he didn't!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: You shall not pass.

Red Mantle: Then, from the wood, came Altheaeus.

All: The first Henchman.

Red Mantle: And he did aid Saphrax.

Henchman 21: Bridge keeper, behind you stands my troops, 100 strong and thirsty for bridge-keeper blood.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Really? I shall look behind.

Henchman 21: I have made you look.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Hunh! I have been deceived expertly!

All: Altheaeus, the father of "made you look."

Red Mantle: Let Altheaeus step into the light and declare his deeds.

Henchman 21: I, Henchman 21, have earned by might and rite the honor and rank of a Level Ten Henchman. I am without fear. I am Altheaeus.

Phantom Limb: Altheaeus, you have performed beyond that of a mere henchman. You have earned the station of Villain.

Henchman 21: Wait, what? T-This wasn't in my script. Like, me, or my character? Me?

Phantom Limb: You, Henchman 21, have earned the title of a Level 4 Super Villain.

The Monarch: What the fuck? This was my party!

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Intensive Care Unit Edit

Dean Venture: Number 57 -- We just stopped being close. I never tell you anything anymore. Did I tell you Pop was cloned like us? Yeah. H.E.L.P.eR.'s brother told me that. Whoa. Did I even tell you that H.E.L.P.eR. has a brother? Oh -- Oh, my God. Do you even know that Dermott is our half brother? Yeah, he's the son of that girl you lost your virginity to who dad knocked up. He told me when he was drunk. He also told me he still masturbates. Ew. Anyway. 58 -- I'm jealous that you don't care you're dressed like Batman in public.

Coma Town Edit

The Action Man: Hey. Hank. You okay?

Hank Venture: I'm okay. Are there Wampas in Barbarella?

The Action Man: Oh, God, no. So far, I've only been attacked by little kids, dolls, and a bunch of damn canaries. That was like a real monster.

Hank Venture: See? "Empire Strikes Back".

The Action Man: Well, how do you kill those things in your movie?

Hank Venture: I use the Force to get my lightsaber and lop his arm off. But I'm clearly Lando Calrissian here. His weapons are smoldering sexuality and a rakish smuggler's charm. So I'll seduce the Wampa, and then I'll sell you out to the Empire.

Wampa roars.

The Action Man: Aah! He's back! Start seducin'!

Hank Venture: Oh, sweet baby Wampa, I don't claim you can have a better time with Hank 45 than without it... but why take chances?

Lasers fire. The Wampa falls over dead with a Thud.

Dr. Phineas Phage: I didn't know I could do that.

Bodies thud.

Dr. Phineas Phage: Follow me!

The Action Man: Is he from Empire Strikes Back?

Hank Venture: Kinda.

The Action Man: I think I wanna see that movie.

Meteor Majeure - "Tenning" Ceremony Room Edit

Dramatic music plays.

Red Mantle: With the taste of love still on his breath, Saphrax made his way to the throne of Emperor Flavius and unsheathed his sword.

The Monarch: Rise, Flavius, and meet your doom. It is I, Saphrax, your sworn enemy. I have bed your wife twice and now leave her to you, soaked in my seed.

All: Saphrax, the father of players.

Dr. Z: Wait! Use my sword, Mr. Monarch.

The Monarch: This isn't wood. This is a real sword.

Red Mantle: Yes. And that is your real sworn enemy. (to Dragoon) You begged me for a line and --

Dragoon: Yes. Yes, of course. Mr. Monarch, here in this ritual space -- that is in space -- anything can happen.

Muffled shouting from Dr. Venture.

Dr. Z: We all know the choice that Saphrax made. But what is your choice?

The Monarch: So... I can just like kill him?

Dr. Venture: (muffled) No. No. No. No.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: We will cover it up, and you'll get away scot-free. Your grudge will be settled, and you'll be free to do... whatever.

Red Mantle: We shall leave you two alone. What you say is yours. What you do is yours. What you decide is yours.

Muffled shouting from Dr. Venture.

VenTech Tower Edit

Brock Samson: Raaaaaaah! Hold on... I gotta whiz. You wanna take a whiz break? Anyone wanna take a whiz break?

Blackout agent: For like, for real? You serious?

Brock Samson: Yeah, seriously. What about you, guy with a bead on me who needs to reload?

Gun clicks.

Another Blackout agent: Damn it! How did you--

Brock Samson: I learned to count when I was 3. Do you need to piss or what?

Another Blackout agent: (reluctantly) Yeah.

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Reception Area Edit

Sergeant Hatred: I respect your position. I myself man a reception desk. But everyone has a price. Now, I'm a man of modest means, but I do have something everybody needs once in a while, and I know how to work it.

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Intensive Care Unit Edit

Dean Venture: Okay, this is the last one. The 124th reason I'm a crap brother.

Dean sighs.

Dean Venture: I slept with Sirena. I-I don't even know why I did it. I mean, it's not like we're in love or anything. I just... I was stupid, and I miss you. And I miss when it was just us all alone at the compound with -- with no schools or Sirenas or Jareds or confusions. Just us alone in our stupid beds with Grandpop talking to us in our sleep.

Dean sighs, sniffles.

Dean Venture: Aw. Hank. I always wished I had hair like yours. Fuck you, Hank.

Dean scoffs, sobs, and sighs.

Dean Venture: You know how they say that we come into this world alone and we leave it alone? Well, we came into it together. So come back to me. Please.

Coma Town Edit

Dr. Phineas Phage: So I-I step into a teleporter, and I end up here in --

Hank Venture: We're calling it "Coma Town." We had different strokes.

Dr. Phineas Phage: What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis? (Chuckles) Nothing?! Neither of you have seen Diff'rent Strokes?

Hank Venture: I haven't even seen Barbarella.

Dr. Phineas Phage: Neither have I. Does Barbarella have a glowing lake of goo?

The Action Man: You've seen the Matmos? Take us there!

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Reception Area Edit

Sergeant Hatred: Yeah, this delicious slab of aged beef is all yours if you just give me three minutes inside with Hank. You could do what you want with me, and I'll just purr "Yes, ma'am."

Cindy Marie Abrams: There you are. Could you uh, maybe get your friend to stop?

Dean Venture: Hatred, put your shirt on. I'll stay here with Hank. You should really go home and, you know, check on Pop. I mean, I'm sure he's just worried sick about Hank and could really use your comfort.

Sergeant Hatred: Okay, okay. You're right. I'll just come back tomorrow during visiting hours. And... tell Hank --

Dean Venture: Yeah. He knows. I'm sure he knows.

Coma Town Edit

Dr. Phineas Phage: What the hell is Matmos?

The Action Man: I've seen Barbarella maybe 30 times, and I still don't know what the hell Matmos is. It's like this energy that surrounds everything.

Hank Venture: Like the Force.

The Action Man: Yeah, but it's confusing, and it might have other powers. It's completely unnecessary to the plot of the movie.

Hank Venture: Ohh. Like midi-chlorians. This is the Force. You said I gotta grow up, right? Well, what's more grown up than jumping into the Matmos?

Dr. Phineas Phage: I don't know, a mortgage? Prostate swelling? Child-support payments? I'm not sure that jumping into that thing would even be on the list.

Hank Venture: Don't cry. You'll rust so dreadfully. Here. Here's your oil can.

Dr. Phineas Phage: Oh.

Hank Venture: Goodbye.

Dr. Phineas Phage: Where did you get this can?

Hank Venture: I think I'll miss you most of all. Mwah! Time to be a man! If I don't come back, I'm either awake or extra coma dead. Also, I'm pretty sure my brother slept with my girlfriend.

Hank grunts and dives into the Matmos.

Hank Venture: See ya later, suckers!

The Action Man: That kid has moxie.

Dr. Phineas Phage: That kid has undiagnosed attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Meteor Majeure - Teleporter Room Edit

Ward: Uh, this one has a note pinned to it. "Send Doc back now -- Exclamation point -- Or I'm coming through this thing myself." You think Brock wrote it?

Watch: Obviously. Now let's go get Doc. And tell everybody he's related to The Monarch.

Ward: Will you stop that? Show some class. A little decorum.

Meteor Majeure - "Tenning" Ceremony Room Edit

Dramatic music plays.

Red Mantle: Your sword is without blood. Emperor Flavius lives?

The Monarch: Yeah, yeah. He's-- He's still--

Red Mantle: Saphrax has decided to carry his grudge without the help of Altheaeus?

The Monarch: (Sighs) You know what I've decided?

The Monarch drops the sword. It clatters on the ground.

The Monarch: That you guys are fucking dicks. I come here to get my Level Ten, and and you give my henchman Villain status and give me the opportunity to kill my sworn enemy? It's a total mindfuck!

Red Mantle: This is the way of our guild, Mr. Monarch. We must hear your decision. Step into the light, Altheaeus.

The Monarch: Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Sure, let 21 be a villain. I-I'm done. What, you think I can do this shit alone? I'm too old to start again. And now that you guys have my wife and -- and my best friend and -- No! Fuck it! Fuck it, and fuck you! Guild wins. Monarch out.

Henchman 21: You know what? Me, too. I don't want to have to be a villain without him. I don't have that kind of Saphrax grudge. I just want to help my best friend with his hate. Fuck you guys. Monarch crew. Hench for life.

Red Mantle: Good! Good. You have completed the final trial.

Phantom Limb: Saphrax spared the life of Emperor Flavius and swore a blood allegiance to Altheaeus as you have done here tonight.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Sweetie, it was a test, and you passed.

The Monarch: So -- So I'm a Level Ten?

Phantom Limb: You and your Henchman--

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Number 2.

Phantom Limb: ...rightfully are Level Ten Villains with all benefits that title is heir to. Congratulations.

All: All hail Saphrax and Altheaeus!

Ward: All hail! Yeah! All hail Saphrax! Congratu-- Look, I don't want to mess up the after party, but we need to get Doctor Venture back.

Watch: I gotta say it. I-I can't hold it in.

Ward: Dude, not the right time.

Watch: I have to! It's just too good!

Meteor Majeure - Exterior Edit

The Monarch: (yelling) Are you kidding me?!

Up-tempo music plays as credits roll.

Post-Credits Edit

Stuyvesant University Medical Center - Reception Area Edit

Cindy Marie Abrams: Mr. Venture? Mr. Venture. Mr. Venture.

Dean groans and gasps as he wakes up.

Dean Venture: Yes?

Cindy Marie Abrams: Your brother is gone.

Dean Venture: What? What? No! He was stable! They said he was stable! What happened?

Cindy Marie Abrams: No, no, no, Mr. Venture. He didn't die. He's gone.

Dean Venture: What?

Cindy Marie Abrams: Well. He's not in his bed. He, like, left.

Dean Venture: But -- W --

Cindy Marie Abrams: He's gone.

City Street in front of Stuyvesant University Medical Center Edit

Dean Venture: Hank! Hank!

Dramatic music plays.

Dean Venture: Hank? Hank?! Oh. Sorry.

Hank Venture: I'm everywhere and nowhere. I'm a man on a mission and a mission on a man. I'll find myself even if I have to look in myself. It's time I grow up. Call me... The Bat.


Preceded by:
"The Forecast Manufacturer (transcript)"
The Venture Bros. episodes
Original Airdate:
October 7, 2018
Followed by:
none
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