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This is the transcript for The Forecast Manufacturer, the ninth episode of Season 7 and the overall eightieth episode of The Venture Bros.

Prologue Edit

New York City is completely blanketed with a thick layer of snow. Wind howls and snow blows about.

VenTech Tower - Penthouse - Living Room Edit

Dr. Venture looks out at the snow-covered city from the warmth and safety of his penthouse home in the VenTech Tower.

Dr. Venture: Huh. There's got to be like three feet out there. And it isn't letting up. Billy! Let's go with that thermal regulation suppository. This is perfect testing weather.

Billy Quizboy: Why am I doing this?

Dr. Venture: Because White is home with mono, and I'm not shoving that huge thing up my ass.

VenTech Tower - Penthouse - Bathroom Edit

Music plays quietly. Billy Quizboy squeezes lubricant on the rectal suppository with a "splurt!"

Billy Quizboy: (sighs) Crap. This is so weird.

Billy inserts the suppository into his anus. Dr. Venture appears on the video screen in the bathroom.

Dr. Venture: Push it, Billy. Push it real good.

Billy Quizboy: Aah! What is wrong with you?!

Billy groans.

VenTech Tower - Penthouse - Living Room Edit

Dr. Venture: There he is, the rectal Neil Armstrong. How did it go?

Billy Quizboy: It's in. It was slow going at first, then suddenly disappeared.

Billy minces into the room, walking with his butt tightly clenched. Beeping can be heard in the distance.

Billy Quizboy: My ass was like, "I'll take that," and then phewt! - right up in. Sucked it up.

Dr. Venture: Uh, T.M.I., Billy.

Billy Quizboy: No, that's just the right amount of "I." You're supposed to be writing this down. That--That's science. That's how it works. What is that noise? There's, like, a beeping. You hear that?

Dr. Venture: Is it your heat regulator? Did you make it beep?

Billy Quizboy: Why would I make a suppository that beeps?!

Dr. Venture: Huh. This can't be good.

VenTech Tower - Panic Room Edit

Hank Venture: Come on! (scoffs) There is zero reception in here.

Dr. Venture: You're behind a foot of titanium. Use the land line.

Hank Venture: You can't text on a land line!

Sergeant Hatred's face appears on a video screen.

Sergeant Hatred: Brock's securing the building's perimeter. We have a full evacuation of the plaza.

VenTech Tower - Lobby Edit

Sergeant Hatred stands behind the security desk, speaking to Dr. Venture through a jPad.

Sergeant Hatred: Shouldn't we get out of the building?

Dr. Venture: Relax. We're all safe where we are.

VenTech Tower - Panic Room Edit

Dr. Venture: The real danger is in the hallway.

Dr. Venture's jWatch beeps.

Dr. Venture: Hold on.

Dr. Venture presses a button on his jWatch. Billy Quizboy appears on the screen.

Billy Quizboy: I'm in the hallway. I've pinpointed the beeping to the closet.

Dr. Venture: Send in the bomb-defusing drone.

VenTech Tower - Penthouse Hallway Edit

Billy Quizboy: I'm trying!

Panicked beeping from H.E.L.P.eR., who refuses to enter the closet.

Billy Quizboy: Just go in there! You're acting like baby's first laptop. Come on.

VenTech Tower - Lobby Edit

Brock walks in from the street, snow blowing in after him. The lobby windows and doors are covered with thick white snow, making it impossible to see outside.

Brock Samson: Street's blocked off. Not like there's anyone out there anyway.

Sergeant Hatred: Got your helmet. You better put it on.

Brock Samson: Why? You scared?

Sergeant Hatred: No, but, uh it's helmet.

Brock Samson: Not wearing it. It's dorky.

Sergeant Hatred: I just wear it 'cause I look good in helmets. I'm not scared of, you know, debris.

Brock Samson: Sure. Sure, you're not.

VenTech Tower - Penthouse Hallway Edit

Beeping continues. Billy speaks to Dr. Venture through his jPhone.

Billy Quizboy: All right, H.E.L.P.eR.'s out of the closet.

Panicked beeping from H.E.L.P.eR., who looks nervous. The O.S.I. phone continues its beeping/ringing.

Dr. Venture: Is it defused?

Billy Quizboy: No, because it's not a bomb. It's a huge, old phone. It's still ringing. Should I answer it?

Dr. Venture: No. I'm pretty sure it's for me.

TITLE SCREEN Edit

Act 1 Edit

VenTech Tower - Penthouse Hallway Edit

Dr. Venture sits on the hallway floor, talking to the O.S.I. on the huge, old phone.

Dr. Venture: Yes. Y-- Of course, sir. Um... I'm not exactly up and ready in that capacity.

Billy Quizboy: So cool. That's a direct call from big brass. He's so important he has a hotline.

Brock Samson: Yeah, well, he never reads his e-mail.

Dr. Venture: And I'm flattered, but can't you send Captain Whoever to deal with it?

Billy Quizboy: Take the job. Take the job. Take the job. Take the job. Think of the press! Take the job!

Dr. Venture: Well, you can count on Team Venture.

Billy Quizboy: Rusty Venture is in the house!

Dragon Finkelstein Karate Dojo Edit

Henchman 21 and The Monarch oversee a class of children practicing martial arts. A young instructor with an orange belt leads a group of children in white belts. Dr. Mrs. The Monarch looks less than impressed.

Instructor: Hyah!

Group: Kiai!

Instructor: Hyah!

Group: Kiai!

Instructor: Hyah!

Group: Kiai!

Instructor: Hyah!

Group: Kiai!

Henchman 21: Goju Ryu, Shotokan, and White Crane make it the perfect space for training and recruitment of new henchmen.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: So, does the floor open up and reveal grown-ups actually training?

The Monarch: No, this is... it. It's pre-teen class. Get 'em young, right? Noah, let's get that leg up! Not fighting a corgi dog.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: It's a good start, and I'll mention it at your review, but I'm -- I'm actually here because we need you two for an important secret mission.

Henchman 21: (gasps) Secret mission.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: If you succeed, you go up a full EMA level, guaranteed.

The Monarch: They need the dream team. About damn time.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Well, dream team is a bit much.

The Monarch: Dream team! Pretty obvious we're a dream team.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: All right, fine. If the dream team accepts the mission, we have to get going now.

Henchman 21: We accept. But first... it's Madison's time.

Henchman 21 kneels before a young girl named Madison, holding up a padded target for her to kick. Music plays.

Henchman 21: Kick me. Kick me.

Madison kicks the target. It makes a light "pat!" sound.

Henchman 21: That's it. How did it feel to you?

Madison: Hmm. Let me think a--

Henchman 21 quickly slaps the side of Madison's head. She gasps in surprise and pain.

Henchman 21: Don't think! Feel. It is like a finger pointing away to the moon.

Madison begins crying.

Sensei Finkelstein: Bup-bup-bup-bup! Bup-bup-bup-bup! Gary, Gary!

Henchman 21: Don't concentrate on the finger or you will--Oh, my God!

Sensei Finkelstein: No! No! No! No!

Henchman 21: What?

Madison: (wailing) Sha! Sha!

Sensei Finkelstein: You don't hit the kids.

Henchman 21: What? It's karate!

Sensei Finkelstein: The mothers, they go bananas, and look, she's crying. You made her cry.

Henchman 21: It's karate!

VenTech Tower - Penthouse Living Room Edit

Billy looks at a weather map of the blizzard on a jPad.

Billy Quizboy: The blizzard is a perfect semi-sphere. It's definitely manmade. Just as we suspected! There's something in the center of it.

Dr. Venture: Old-school weather machine. Hank, get geared up in your flight suit. You're gonna help your old man save the day.

Hank's eyes are locked on his jPhone as he types on it with both thumbs.

Hank Venture: As much as I'd love to pretend I'm that lady from Jurassic Park and go chase storms with you, I can't get in touch with Sirena! I'm not going anywhere.

Billy Quizboy: Well, if Hank won't go, I'll go.

Dr. Venture: Oh, be real, Billy. This is Team Venture stuff. Old times?

Hank Venture: No way! My girlfriend's been kidnapped or replaced by an android or has amnesia or is trapped under something or-- or there's a remote, outside chance that her phone was stolen by phone pirates!

Billy Quizboy: I'll go!

Dr. Venture: Uh... Brock, you want to go Team Venture with me?

Brock Samson: I got to hold down the fort. Ask Hatred.

Dr. Venture: Good idea.

Billy Quizboy: Hatred? Hatred?! I'm a trained scientist. I'm here during a blizzard with an untested heat generator up my crack! What do I need to do here? Do you need me to bleed for you, because I'm, like, 90% sure my ass is bleeding. Now, I'm gonna suit up and meet you in the X-12. I suggest you do the same, sir. Go, Team Venture.

Billy holds up two fingers on his right hand in a V sign. toward Dr. Venture.

Dr. Venture: (sighs) All right.

Billy Quizboy: I said, "Go, Team Venture," sir!

Billy thrusts his right hand toward Dr. Venture. Dr. Venture reluctantly makes a V sign with his right hand and touches the tips of his index and middle fingers to Billy's.

Upstate New York - River Edit

The wind howls, snow blows everywhere. A ship that looks like a Chinese junk sails down the river. Dr. Z speaks to Dr. Mrs. The Monarch, The Monarch, and Henchman 21 aboard the ship.

Dr. Z: As every villainous child knows, the Peril Partnership is Canada's version of the Guild of Calamitous Intent. We have worked with them in peace for sixty years.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Recently, a rogue version of the Peril Partnership has been muscling in on Guild Territory. They use fear, intimidation, theft, and secrecy as their weapons.

The Monarch: (scoffs) Seems pretty badass to me. What's the problem? Jealous much?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: The Guild has had no luck with diplomacy, and for whatever reason, the O.S.I. won't engage them.

Dr. Z: This morning, we received a top-secret communiqué from O.S.I. command, reading, "We will handle the symptoms, you handle the disease. There will be no interference, no aid, and no inquiries with your methods."

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: The disease is a villain known as The Creep. This is a rough model of him made of chicken tenders.

Dr. Z: Which we'll eat with either ketchup or barbecue sauce, for there can be no record of this meeting.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: He commands his Peril Partnership from a secret river island upstate. We'll be there soon.

The Monarch: What do you expect us to do?

Dr. Z: That is up to you. But completely off topic, here is a riddle for you. What eight can hold two asses?

The Monarch: "Eight Crazy Nights" with Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider. Boom, solved! Dream team.

Dr. Z: No. The eight that can hold two asses is "assassinate." Isn't that neat? I made that up.

Henchman 21: I was gonna say that, seriously.

The Monarch: Yeah, it's adorable. So, what did this Creep guy do?

Dr. Z: Believe it or not, he made this blizzard.

Henchman 21: He built a weather machine?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Worse. He stole our weather machine.

Dr. Z: Oh, crap. After we eat the chicken statue, we need to eat this paper.

VenTech Tower Edit

Whirring sounds as the roof of the building opens like a camera aperture. Bold, heroic music plays. The X-12 vertically takes off from inside the roof of the VenTech Tower.

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

Billy and Dr. Venture sit in the cockpit of the X-12.

Dr. Venture: Avionics off, electrical off, beacon on. Fuel is--what? What's all this? Brock! Ugh, Brock. Come in, Brock.

Dr. Venture, annoyed with a massive jumble of wires dangling from the console, call to Brock through the mouthpiece attached to his headphones.

Brock Samson: Yeah, what?

Dr. Venture: There's, like, a rat's nest of wires under the fuel gauge.

Brock Samson: Yeah, I just put in a tape deck for some tunes. It's cool. Just got to tuck all that pasghetti in.

Dr. Venture and Billy look at each other in disbelief. Billy covers his mouth with his hands.

Billy Quizboy: (chuckles) Oh, my God.

Dr. Venture: Tuck-- Tuck what in?

Brock Samson: The wires.

Billy Quizboy: Can you describe them, please?

Brock Samson: It's like a-- Yeah, it's like a big pile of pasghetti.

Billy Quizboy: Brock, is it like a caterpillar? Can you say that? Can you say "library"? Say "espresso."

Brock Samson: What are you doing?

Dr. Venture: Brock? Say "manipulate."

Brock Samson: Oh, fuck you guys.

Static crackles as Brock signs off the frequency.

Dr. Venture: That was awesome.

Billy Quizboy: (chuckles) That was amazing. I feel six feet tall.

The X-12 whooshes away from the VenTech Tower, flying past Tophet Tower and over Manhattan as it cuts through the snow storm.

Billy Quizboy: Pasghetti!

VenTech Tower - Lobby Edit

Sergeant Hatred sits behind the security desk reading the novelization of the film The Day After Tomorrow. Hank strides through the lobby with a determined look on his face.

Sergeant Hatred: Hank, you are not going out in that storm.

Hank Venture: I can't get ahold of Sirena, so I'm gonna go out and find her.

Sergeant Hatred: You're not going outside! Leave her a message.

Hank Venture: I've left her forty-three messages and over sixty texts! Clearly, she's been replaced by a doppelgänger--an exact copy of Sirena, perfect in every detail save one. This Sirena won't answer my messages.

Sergeant Hatred: Aw, geez Hank, you're getting obsessive. Nobody wants to be smothered. Even my ex-wife didn't like being smothered. But she did like being choked w-which isn't my point.

Hank Venture: I know what your point is, Hatred. You almost fooled me. Almost! Such a clever copy. Even got your terrible breath right. But the real Sergeant Hatred would never stop a man on a mission of love! Wish me luck.

Sergeant Hatred: I never know when you're messing with me.

Hank tightens the hood on his jacket and walks out the front door. Hatred exhales into his hand and sniffs it.

Sergeant Hatred: Ohh.

Hatred makes a disgusted face.

Upstate New York - Deck of Boat on River Edit

Music plays. The Monarch and Henchman 21 wear brightly colored wetsuits.

The Monarch: Hey, trade snorkels with me. Yours matches my fins.

Henchman 21: I don't want your snorkel. You already got spit in your snorkel.

Dr. Z: Knock it off! You cannot mix and match. This isn't Build-A-Bear.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: In your pouch, you'll find global positioners fitted with HD recon imagers and two-way communication, waterproof up to three fathoms.

Henchman 21: Tech swag. Sweet!

The Monarch: What are these, TracFones in a Ziploc?

Dr. Z: Prepaid. Do not lose them.

The Monarch: Mine doesn't have any weapons.

Dr. Z: If you show up armed, your cover will be blown.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: You got to convince The Creep that you want to defect to his Peril Partnership.

Henchman 21: Then we kill him?

Dr. Z: The Guild does not condone it, but--

Henchman 21: Alright, so we don't kill him.

Dr. Z: As an independent agent, you could.

The Monarch: So you want us to kill him?

Dr. Z: As a representative of the Guild, I would not advise it, but if you have other ideas...

Henchman 21: Alright, so you mean we should kill him?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Oh, my god, yes, obviously! Kill him! Phone us when you're done.

New York City Street - Central Park West Edit

Wind howls, blowing snow everywhere. The trees are stripped of leaves and covered with snow. Snow coats the streets, collecting in huge drifts. Hank scoops up a few handfuls of snow and forms them into the shape of a football. An imaginary crowd cheers in the background as Hank narrates his movements.

Hank Venture: Venture takes the snap from Pouncey. Fades back and looks for a hole. Looking for Brown. Good ol' number 84? Where's he at? No openings. Oh, they're rushing in like a great wave of bodies. He's swattin' 'em down with the patented Hank-Spank. Venture's all alone out there. What is this? He's gonna take it home himself!

The imaginary crowd cheers as Hank dashes through the snow. Hank pants as he leaps through the air.

Hank Venture: Hyah!

Metal clanks as Hank dives through a snow drift and smashes his head on a lamppost. Only his legs are visible, with the snow drift completely covering his upper body. A whistle blows. The howling of the wind continues as Hank lies still and silent.

Act 2 Edit

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

Wind howls and thunder cracks as the X-12 flies through the storm, rapidly approaching the weather machine. The jet flies through a dense white layer of clouds and exits the storm, finding itself in a calm blue sky above the clouds. The howling wind stops entirely. Bold, heroic music plays.

Dr. Venture: All right, this looks like the epicenter. I'm gonna bring her around for a scanning.

Billy, his cheeks flushed, removes all of his clothes except his briefs.

Billy Quizboy: Check. Scanner's online.

Dr. Venture: What-- What are you doing? What happened to your clothes?

Billy Quizboy: I'm boiling in here. This thermal regulator works way too well.

Dr. Venture: Do you shave your chest?

Billy Quizboy: No, that's stupid. I wax. There it is!

The X-12 whooshes toward the Guild's weather machine, a massive circular disk hovering above the clouds. The X-12 banks right when it reaches the machine and circles around it to take some readings.

Billy Quizboy: Propulsion matrix of eight contra-rotating turbines. I'm reading diethylene glycol, monomethyl ether exhaust. It seems to be surrounded by a silver nitrate cloud. That's the purple haze.

Dr. Venture: Is "The Wind Cries Mary" on the other side?

Billy Quizboy: No, the other side is-- I'm reading nickel microlattice.

Dr. Venture: (sighs) That was a Jimi Hendrix joke, Billy. White would've got it.

Billy Quizboy: Well, I'm sorry I'm not White. Crap! Back up, back up! That thing just launched something at us!

A can of "Mountain Whizzy" soft drink flies toward the X-12.

Dr. Venture: Back up? This is a jet.

Billy Quizboy: I don't know, then turn around or something!

Dr. Venture quickly swerves the X-12 out of the way of the oncoming soft drink can.

Upstate New York - The Creep's Secret Island Edit

Wind howls and snow flies about. Both The Monarch and Henchman 21 breathe heavily as they pull an inflatable lifeboat to shore. They splash through the water in their flippers.

Henchman 21: Ohh. Secret island lair. Sweet. Uh, should we go look for him or something?

The Monarch: Dude, he'll find us. Look at us. We look like we're in the "Cult of Personality" video. We're gonna get spotted.

The howling of the wind intensifies. Intense music plays. The Creep, seen only in silhouette, flies up on a glider.

The Creep: You are trespassers on private property! Identify yourselves!

The Monarch: I-I'm The Monarch.

The Creep: Do not move, interloper! -

The Monarch: I-I was just getting my wallet, see?

Henchman 21: What? That's your wallet? What-- What about the one I got you for your birthday?

The Monarch: Dude, can we talk about this later, please?

Henchman 21: That was a $200 Paul Smith wallet.

The Monarch: It was teal.

Henchman 21: You loved it. You said you loved it.

The Monarch: It's a ladies wallet. You got me a ladies wallet.

The Creep: What is your business? We're Guild villains.

The Monarch: We want to defect to your Peril Partnership.

The Creep: Then I must test your skills. Prepare to survive the most dangerous game!

The Creep laughs menacingly as he flies away.

Henchman 21: Great. Now we're gonna be hunted like animals.

The Monarch: Dude, tell me that guy wasn't on my old Butter-Glider.

New York City Street - Central Park West Edit

Hank Venture's face pushes through the snow, showing blood trickling from a wound on his forehead. Hank exhales sharply and coughs. Footsteps crunch through the snow nearby and a shadow appears over Hank's face. Mysterious music plays.

Hank Venture: (sniffs) Help me. I have to save my girlfriend.

Scare Bear, a bloody knife clutched in its left hand, looks down at Hank and cocks its head to one side. The southeast entrance of the American Museum of Natural History is visible over its shoulder. Ominous music plays.

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

The Guild weather machine whirrs loudly beneath the X-12.

Dr. Venture: What about taking out the engines?

Billy Quizboy: No, we need to focus on stopping the blizzard, not dropping it on 23rd Street. Don't need that hot disk just blazing down on--

Dr. Venture: That's it! Hot disk. We stop cold air going into the intake port. Get my thermos out of my bag.

Billy is now visibly sweating.

Billy Quizboy: I don't want any coffee. I'm hot as hell! And coffee gives me the squirts.

Dr. Venture: Oh, I know it does. Get the thermos.

Upstate New York - The Creep's Secret Island Edit

The Monarch and Henchman 21 breathe heavily as they trudge up a steep snow-covered hill. Music plays.

Henchman 21: Wha--Tell me you see that.

At the top of the hill is a forest area with a large vine-covered building in the center. The area appears to be protected by an invisible force field that keeps out the snow and wind.

The Monarch: Is it a mirage? Or-- Or is that only a desert thing?

Henchman 21 puts his hand through the force field.

Henchman 21: (groans) Whoa. It's, like, warm in there. It's like I'm putting my hand up a cow's ass.

The Monarch: The single worst analogy I have ever heard.

The Monarch and Henchman 21 walk through the force field and onward toward The Creep's base.

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

The hover belt around his waist produces a wobbling sound as Billy slowly descends from the X-12 through the cloud of silver nitrate surrounding the Guild weather machine. A protective gas mask covers Billy's face.

Billy Quizboy: (sighs) I'm almost over the intake port.

Dr. Venture: Get going. You don't want to be in that silver nitrate too long.

Billy Quizboy: I couldn't even do this at summer camp. How do you expect me to do this 20,000 feet in the air?

Dr. Venture: Billy, you got to get that Thermal Regulation Suppository into that weather machine. This is the only way.

Billy slowly slides off his briefs.

Billy Quizboy: Fine. Just don't tell anyone I did this. And don't look!

Dr. Venture: I'm not looking! Just do it.

Billy Quizboy: Fine, fine. (grunts) I should've brought a magazine or something. I need to read when I do this.

Upstate New York - The Creep's Secret Island Edit

The Monarch and Henchman 21 walk over a lush green lawn as they approach the ivy-covered brick building that The Creep is using for the headquarters of his Peril Partnership. A huge collection of stolen Guild technology is gathered in front of the building.

Henchman 21: All of this is Guild Technology. That's Maybe Man's Indifference Engine. That's Nat King Cobra's Venomator. I think that's Mr. Monday's Calendar of Magic Mondays. All of this crap is Guild. Even this force field is from Jungle Jim's Green House Ray.

The Creep: Very observant. Yes, and that's Grover Cleveland's Presidential Time Machine, and this is PoseiDonJuan's Sexy Trident. And I've got Gerock the Demolisher's fur underpants. All stolen from the Guild, all of it! And now I steal you from the Guild, if you survive the most dangerous game.

The Monarch: I thought we already did.

The Creep: Choose your color.

The Monarch: What are those, lawn darts?

The Creep: Yep. Banned throughout the world. It took me years to procure these last remaining examples of plastic doom.

The Monarch: Really? That's-- That's it?

The Creep: We shall play Dive Bomb, the sinister version of that traditional game where we throw up a dart as high as we can and then run away from it at the last minute. If you da-a-a-a-a-re!

Henchman 21: Pshh! I played this and G.I. Joes every day when I was 8. Let's do it.

New York City Street - Central Park Bow Bridge Edit

Footsteps crunch in the snow. Mysterious music plays. Scare Bear carries an unconscious Hank in both arms as it trudges across the snow-covered bridge. Hank's eyes are closed and his forehead bloody. Scare Bear looks straight ahead as it walks.

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

Billy enters, his skin dyed purple from the silver nitrate cloud. An empty can of Mountain Whizzy is in his left hand.

Billy Quizboy: It worked! But silver nitrate does this to your skin.

A camera shutter clicks as Dr. Venture snaps a photo of Billy using his jWatch.

Dr. Venture: Cheese!

Billy Quizboy: Thanks, dickhead.

Dr. Venture: That's for the VenTech Christmas card. You're welcome.

Billy Quizboy: When I was outside the X-12, I found what that machine launched at us. It's a soda can. You know what that means.

Dr. Venture: (scoffs) So much for a complex automatic defense system.

Billy Quizboy: No, someone's piloting that thing.

Dr. Venture: Yeah. He's standing on the roof.

Guild Stranger S-464 stands on the roof of the Guild weather machine holding up a hand-lettered cardboard sign that reads simply "HELP".

Billy Quizboy: Look at this guy. What an asshole.

Upstate New York - The Creep's Secret Island Edit

Henchman 21: Why didn't you just join the Guild?

The Creep: Because the Guild is all "safety caps" and "choking warnings." Aah! My Peril Partnership has no rules or treaties. After we hobble the Guild, we shall destroy the O.S.I.

The Monarch: One, two, three.

The Creep: They will pay for what they did to me.

The Monarch: Dive bomb!

Henchman 21: What did the O.S.I. do to you?

The Creep: They threw me out. I was once Mission Creep, their most valuable agent.

Henchman 21: Oh, so close. My turn.

The Creep: After completing a successful siege of a mountain fortress...

Henchman 21: Dive bomb!

The Creep: ...I remained to secure the area.

The Monarch: That got you kicked out of the O.S.I.?

Without looking up The Creep catches a lawn dart right before it hits his head.

The Creep: There were complications, casualties! Boy Scouts should never camp near a mountain fortress. I'm a soldier, damn you! I soldiered!

The Monarch: Boy Scouts? You-- You slaughtered Boy Scouts? Wow.

The Creep: They were wearing paramilitary clothing! Anyone could've made that mistake. Dive bomb! Rup!

New York City - Convenience Store Edit

Cash register dings. The cashier hands a few coins to Hank as change. She stares in disbelief at Scare Bear, who is still carrying Hank in both arms.

Hank Venture: Thank you.

Hank attempts to put the coins in his nonexistent pocket, opening his hand by hip and dropping his change. The coins clatter to the floor. Hank, his eyes slightly crossed and unfocused, looks up at Scare Bear.

Hank Venture: You sure you don't want anything?

Scare Bear's eyes look at Hank through the eyeholes in its mask but it says nothing.

Hank Venture: Okay. You're not getting any of mine.

Scare Bear walks to the door to exit the store, still carrying Hank, leaving wet footprints behind it on the tile floor. The cashier watches them intently as they leave. The door chimes as it opens.

X-12 supersonic jet Edit

The X-12 flies through the night sky, towing the now-disabled Guild weather machine behind it on a long cable. Dr. Venture, Billy Quizboy, and Guild Stranger S-464 sit in the cockpit of the X-12.

Billy Quizboy: I'm not sure that was the best way to get a woman's attention.

Guild Stranger S-464: She's O.S.I., and they can't stand the Peril Partnership, so I defected and took this weather machine mission. She would hear about it. She'd hurt. Hurt like I do.

Billy Quizboy: Dude, stalker much? Where's your copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and your handgun? That is idiotic!

Dr. Venture: I tried to date a known black widow. Killed all her husbands. Not only did I not get any, I was slapped with a restraining order. What did I do? I got back on that horse and started Facebooking her from a fake account.

Billy Quizboy: Was that supposed to be inspirational? You're just as bad.

Guild Stranger S-464: Actually, that may be worse. I just gave the kids a snow day. You are a cyber stalker.

Dr. Venture: You messed with crazy Guild technology! I'd never do that. I do not play fast and loose with super science, sir.

Upstate New York - The Creep's Secret Island Edit

The Creep, The Monarch, and Henchman 21 are still playing Dive Bomb even though it has gotten dark outside.

The Monarch: (sighs) How many times-- Are we done yet?

The Creep: The most dangerous game! The last one! The big launch! This one is gonna sail, baby! (pants) Dive bomb super duper!

The Creep launches the lawn dart into the air. A light flashes from inside Grover Cleveland's Presidential Time Machine. The Creep turns around to look at it. Electricity audibly crackles in the air. The doors to the time machine open and Billy Quizboy steps out dressed as a Confederate officer from the Civil War followed by Dr. Venture dressed in a tuxedo and top hat with a life preserver from the RMS Titanic around his neck. The index finger on Dr. Venture's right hand is bandaged, as if his fingertip is missing.

Billy Quizboy: Get your finger. Don't touch anything else.

Dr. Venture: Crap, a caveman! And... Malcom? What are you doing in 70 million years ago?

The lawn dart falls directly into the center of The Creep's head, impaling his skull. The tip of the dart stick out through the bottom of his chin. He turns to look at The Monarch.

The Creep: (gasps) You win.

The Creep's body thuds to the ground as he falls over dead.

Billy Quizboy: We killed the caveman! All right. Get back in the time machine. We need to go back farther and fix this, too.

Electricity crackles and light flashes as the time-traveling Billy and Dr. Venture disappear.

Henchman 21: Huh.

The Monarch: Did that asshole just call me Malcom?

Henchman 21: That is for BSA Troop 486!

The Monarch: Hey, let's not mention this part to the Guild, okay?

Henchman 21: Yeah, not a word.

The Monarch: (exhales) Dream team.

The Monarch and Henchman 21 give a high five while both looking straight ahead at the corpse of The Creep.

Stuyvesant University - Dormitory Edit

Scare Bear's wet footsteps squelch on the carpet as it carries a barely conscious Hank through the dormitory hallway.

Hank Venture: Mm.

Hank groans and opens his eyes, looking around him for the first time. Scare Bear sets Hank down on his feet.

Hank Venture: Hey, isn't this my brother's dorm? Dorm. Dormi-- Dormitor-- Dormitorium.

Ominous music plays. Scare Bear silently raises its right arm and points straight ahead at the door to the Resident Adviser dorm room shared by Dean Venture and Jared. Hank approaches the door and knocks on it. Dean replies sharply from inside the room.

Dean Venture: Jared! Don't you see the tie?

Hank looks down with unfixed eyes, vaguely noticing that a necktie has been looped around the door handle. He opens the door and enters the room.

Stuyvesant University - Dormitory - Dean Venture's Bedroom Edit

Hank walks into the bedroom to find his brother, Dean, in bed with Hank's girlfriend, Sirena. Sirena quickly moves to cover herself with the sheets.

Hank Venture: What?

Sirena Ong: (gasps) Hank! I-It's not what you think.

Hank Venture: Mnh. What is--

Dean Venture: No, it is what you think.

Sirena Ong: Wait, what do you think it is?

Hank Venture: I think you were freezing to death and did this to survive?

Sirena Ong: It is what you think?

Dean Venture: No, it's not what you think.

Hank Venture: W-What-- What were you thinking?

Sirena Ong: We weren't thinking.

Hank Venture: You weren't thinking about me, that's for sure.

Sirena Ong: We didn't think this would happen!

Hank Venture: I don't know what to think.

Sirena Ong: Holy shit!

Dean Venture: Uh, there's a bear behind you.

Hank looks over his shoulder to see Scare Bear's massive frame filling the doorway. Hank turns back to Dean and Sirena.

Hank Venture: Oh, good. You guys see him, too.

Hank falls over face first with a thud, passing out. Music plays as the end credits roll.

Post-Credits Edit

Guild Strategic Operations Edit

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch and Agent Kimberly McManus walk down a subterranean passage lined with doors.

Agent Kimberly McManus: Thank you for letting me do this.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I had to pull a lot of strings to let you come down here, but under these circumstances, it's the least I can do.

Agent Kimberly McManus: I'm sure our prisoner exchange sweetened the deal for you.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: We will enjoy having Black Strap back with us. Did you torture him?

Agent Kimberly McManus: Daily.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Got to love those treaties. (sighs) I have to warn you, we adjusted the traitor's... temperament. Well, I'll leave you two alone for a bit.

Guild Strategic Operations - Hospital Room Edit

Music plays.

Agent Kimberly McManus: S-464, are you awake?

Guild Stranger S-464: I am.

Agent Kimberly McManus: I'm here. I don't care what you did. I love you.

Guild Stranger S-464: Do I know you?

Agent Kimberly McManus: No, no, no, no. Your brain! They screwed with your brain!

Guild Stranger S-464: This is Stranger 464.

Agent Kimberly McManus: Why? Why? Oh, no, no, no, no.

Guild Stranger S-464: We have an O.S.I. incursion, Med Unit 3.

Agent Kimberly McManus: Noooooo!

Preceded by:
"The Terminus Mandate (transcript)"
The Venture Bros. episodes
Original Airdate:
September 30, 2018
Followed by:
"The Saphrax Protocol (transcript)"
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