Hard Candy Christmas was the second holiday song by Jackson and Doc, released in 2005[1]. A cover of "Hard Candy Christmas" from the 1978 musical "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas".
Plot[]
The Monarch is in prison after the events of The Trial of the Monarch. 21 and 24 go to visit him, and they discuss the Holiday, 21's new parka and the Monarch's bitterness towards Dr. Girlfriend and Phantom Limb. The Monarch then says they have to move on, so 21 pulls out his guitar and suggests they sing together.
Characters[]
Transcript[]
21: Oh hey Monarch!
24: Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
21: God, you look great!
Monarch: Thank you. 21, 24, how're you doing? Here to visit me in the can, huh?
21: Totally!
Monarch: Christmas. If it wasn't so gay and depressing it'd be kinda nice. Oh and 21 you even wore your Santa suit!
24: Busted!
21: I'm totally not wearing a Santa suit, you're like the eighth person to say that! It's my new red parka.
24: It's down!
21: Yeah...
24: Down parka...
21: How're you holding up in here man? I said 'man', I'm so tough when I'm in prison!
24: What is that smell?
21: Orange vomit powder. How're you holding up in here?
Monarch: Uh, well, it's, uh, great you know, King Gorilla got me smokes. What did you get me?
21: We didn't get you anything, we came to visit you, give me a break!
Monarch: That's my present?
21: Friends!
24: True!
21: Yeah we've been doing dick since uhh, you got thrown in the slammer.
24: Nothing. Oh wait no, we did go to Phantom Limb's Christmas party, remember that?
21: Nooo! Don't even mention that! He's gonna start crying!
24: I didn't say the 'G' word!
Monarch: Nonono, I don't care, go right ahead! I'm over her. Talk about whatever you want! Completely over it. Why would I care if you two traitors went to her place and drank eggnog on the couch where she screws her new boyfriend?!
24: Harsh!
21: Yeah, that is really abusive. I don't even remember doing that.
Monarch: Gentlemen, we have to move on.
21: And I think we should sing together.
24: Absolutely, I know just the song!
(21: Very cathartic.)
21: You guys are goofing on me for bringing my guitar. Look how tender this is!
[Music]
21: Hey, yeah, maybe I'll dye my hair
24: And maybe I'll move somewhere
21: Maybe I'll get a car
24: Maybe I'll drive so far they'll all lose track
Monarch: Me, I'll bounce right back
24: Maybe I'll sleep real late
21: (I can top that and sound like an idiot:) Maybe I'll lose some weight
And maybe I'll clear my junk
24: Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine
Monarch:
Me, I'll be just
Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down
(21: We've got your back Monarch)
All:
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down
(21: Yeah we learned to play this at camp, it was one of the many camp songs we used to do, like Michael Row Your Boat Ashore, and this one. This was kinda the stupid one, I don't even know why I learned it. You know what I wanna learn how to do? Hey, yeah, wait!)
Maybe I'll learn to sew (Did you hear how excited I was?)
24: Maybe I'll just lie low
21: Maybe I'll hit the bars
24: Maybe I'll count the stars until the dawn
Monarch: Me, I will go on
(21: This is wishful thinking)
Maybe I'll settle down
24: Hey maybe I'll just leave town
21: Maybe I'll have some fun
24: Maybe I'll meet someone and make him mine
(21: Oh yeah, that's gonna happen.)
(24: Dude, this was written for a woman! I did that on purpose!)
Monarch:
Me, I'll be just
Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
(21: Ready for the harmony!)
All:
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
I'll be fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down
Monarch: Because I'll be fine
(21: You're not gonna be fine Monarch, you are so going to be pining away!)
Monarch: Oh, I will be fine.